The Great Perhaps

"I go to seek a great perhaps"- a quote from a book I've never read, has been on a little post-it note on my desk since I was a senior in college. Back then, the 'great perhaps' was something akin to New York City, so I headed there after graduation with a heart full of wonder and joy and a lot of grit. New York took a lot of that out of me, or rather, molded those idealist qualities into a fierce passion for my work and a yearning for truth and justice.

After my time at TFA was done, I wanted to see more of the world while simultaneously planting roots in the city and the causes that I loved. But sometimes an opportunity is too big and mysterious and awe-inspiring to ignore; when I was granted a Fulbright English Teaching Assistantship in South Korea, I ultimately chose to go. Full of fear and doubt, it's fitting that my mantra going into this year was less daring than my first adventure after college. This time, I quietly whispered "here goes something," as I accepted the grant, then packed my bags, then got on a plane. "Here goes something, here goes something, here goes something."

And what a something.

This year has been the most challenging of my life. I've been silent for months at a time on this blog not just because I was busy, but because often, overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and confusion and anxiety, I didn't know what to say.

But now, about to come out on the other side, and return to family and friends and food that I love, I am proud to write about what I've learned. In some ways, the "something" I was hoping for, whimsically, nervously, never really appeared. I never found a solid sense of purpose. I didn't fit perfectly into a community or past-time. I'm not emerging with answers as much as questions.

In fact, it turns out that that old, explorer's mantra of mine, the mantra of a girl with a light heart and open mind, is once again apropos. Through the challenges I faced, my "great perhaps" this year had less to do with adventure and excitement (though there was a lot of that, too) and more to do with introspection and self-love.

Here are some of the "great perhapses" that I've found this year:

Perhaps I already have everything I need.

Perhaps I can be my own best friend.

Perhaps adventure is something you make, not pursue.

Perhaps support can show up in surprising places.

Perhaps everything really does always work out.

To everyone who has supported me while here, thank you. Thank for believing in me, listening to me, exploring with me, laughing with me, visiting me. One of those people, Grace Galloway, wrote this quote in a card for me the day I left:

"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." T. S. Eliot

I'm going back to New York, for now, with a new heart and new eyes, acutely aware of my blessings in life, the scope and complexity of the world we live in, and my own self-worth. And perhaps that insight is the greatest of all.

All my love,

Maeve